


To Understand a Sacrifice

by Cheese_kun



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Public Sex, canonverse, heavy mentions of a gang bang, heavy mentions of multiple partners, however no issues of consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-01-15 02:28:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1287847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheese_kun/pseuds/Cheese_kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren spreads his legs. Levi doesn't want to save what is already meant to be sacrificed. But he hates how willing Eren is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Why the Son Silently Lay on the Offering Table

**Chapter 1: Why the Son** **Silently Lay on the Offering Table**

He sees them through a door left ajar, in a room dimly lit by moonshine. Two silhouettes. One he knows well, the other he might have seen before. It isn't the first time.

He hears them through the walls. They're thin like that. He doesn't listen, but it's hard to disregard with how the voices grow in volume, and then hush for a breather, and repeat. They come and go like a wave, and at the end they lose their rhythm until the sound becomes ugly. But Levi never stays that long.

The first voice he knows well, and the other too. It's perhaps the third time.

But those are only the ones he just happens to catch by chance. He knows it is a more frequent occurrence.

It isn't his business to care about how often Eren Jaeger spreads his legs for the various men and women in the military.

Over the time he has come to realise that so many more are in that way affiliated to Eren, judging by the looks they give him. So many people staring him in the eye, not like lovers, but holding a promise. Levi knows too well what kind of promise. Still, it isn't his business. Not even when the commander too is exchanging glances with the boy, albeit carefully, discreetly.

He watches his distorted reflection dance on the surface of his dull, only lukewarm soup, and it stares back at him.

„Erwin…don't you think you should be smarter than doing that kid in your free time?" Levi wonders why he doesn't simply stay out of the whole matter.

The Commander, of course, eyes him from the side without so much as showing a reaction.

Erwin takes a calm swig of his tea. „It was a single occurrence. Hardly a problem, right?"

„Ah," Levi says in either agreement or vacuous reply.

„Odd, though. With the way our humanity's last hope is jumping from one companion to another, I would have expected you to be one of them. But then again, maybe you're not the type to fall for someone's seduction so easily?" Erwin is perhaps mocking him; it's always difficult to be sure when it comes to him.

„Maybe." Levi pushes his bowl with a gruff groan, and rises from the comfort-killing wooden seat. „But that doesn't matter anyway, because he has not once come to ask me."

One night, on the way to his quarters, he stumbles upon Eren almost bare on the cold stone floor. Around him three men grinning and hovering above the mostly limp figure. They gasp at the sight of the Captain, scramble to escape with embarrassed and guilty expressions, murmuring unintelligible things— and zipping up, they disappear around the corner.

Levi frowns and hurries to kneel beside the unmoving boy, assuming the worst at the sight of sticky fluids covering Eren's chest and face. Taking him in his arm, he begins to lightly tap Eren's cheek. „Boy, wake up."

It takes him several more tries to get the other to stir. Leaning back against the wall, he lets out a frustrated sigh, watches how the one in his arms regain some consciousness. The eyelashes, sticky from other men's cum, flutter while Eren attempts to blink.

As dark and unfocused eyes are revealed, in stead of the usually vibrant colour Eren used to showcase whenever he was flying from rooftop to rooftop, between barks of trees, full of purpose and determination, Levi clenches his teeth.

But when their eyes meet, and Eren touches his stained cheek just to stick his finger in his mouth, then proceeds to flash him a satisfied smile, Levi feels his heart stop beating. A sinking feeling, and a foul taste in his mouth.

„What were you doing, Eren?" Levi's voice struggles to remain steady.

Eren pushes himself off of the captain's hold. „Just a little bit of fun. They couldn't wait until we could actually reach an actual room." He chuckles. „Sorry for that, captain. It was probably not something you wanted to see."

Levi grabs Eren's wrist to keep him in place. „When did the number of fuck buddies turn threefold at a time?"

Eyes flicking from the trapped wrist to Levi's face, Eren appears to be startled by the question. He laughs nervously. „What can I say? Things get boring for a young, and lively brat like me."

„You get rid of your boredom by letting everybody use you like a lifeless sex doll?"

„ _Everybody_ sounds just a little bit extreme, don't you think?" Softly, he tries to pry himself away from Levi's hold, but there is no escaping the strong grip.

„Why do you do that?"

„Are you asking me why people have sex in general, or…?"

Levi snarls and tightens his grip to the point of it getting painful. „Don't mess with me— you know what I mean."

Eren breathes in, tosses his head aside, and looks about ready to bolt away. But Levi feels like he won't be able to let the other go without an explanation.

„Is my sex life being monitored as well?" Eren's voice does not sound defiant or angry, but he still avoids any eye contact. Instead, he busies himself by singlehandedly trying to cover his exposed skin with the discarded pieces of his uniform, as if there's still some rescuable modesty.

„Your sex life doesn't need any special monitoring with the way you're fucking in every damn corner you can find."

„Why? Are you concerned?" He lets out a soft laugh.

„Yes."

Eren stills. His struggling shoulder grows limp.

„Don't say that, Captain. That's foul play."

Levi doesn't understand what part of it could be considered foul play. On the contrary, he is the one feeling wronged, because it wasn't something he would readily admit.

„I won't bother you again if you tell me." To prove his point, he loosens the fingers which are curled around Eren's bony wrist.

Levi feels relief wash over him when it doesn't look like Eren is trying to flee the scene as soon as his hand is freed. But those eyes yet again refuse to seek his own, and Levi fears that he is not going to get any answer at all. He observes Eren in his attempt to put his rumpled shirt over his head, and through his torso, which is covered in red and purple marks of teeth and suctions— none of them can be linked to any names.

Eren's dark hair is dishevelled by the careless way of putting on his shirt. Thick strands of hair cover most of his face. For a moment it makes him look boyish again. Just a teenager.

„You know, when I was a kid there used to be a man shouting from the side of the market. Something about the walls being holy— deities. Nobody even bothered to look at him. He was just that weirdo dealing with a loose screw." Eren runs sticky fingers through his hair to smoothen it. „The next time I saw the very same man was in court during my trial. In just a few years he has become a significant man with influential people actually lending him their ears."

Levi's gaze follows the movements of the boy's fingers, the flicking of his wrists, lingers on the thin sheen of sweat on Eren's neck. Maybe he's too distracted by the lustre of skin still holding evidence of an afterglow, but he has trouble following Eren's train of thought.

„Do you know what made people suddenly believe in gods? Why an ignored screaming man became a prophet?"

„Is there a point to this?" There's an impatient edge in the captain's voice.

„It's fear."

Their eyes meet.

„Inconceivable fear. And when your life is no longer in your grasp, you ask for someone, anyone to promise you salvation. Because isn't it beautiful to think that your petty soul is something more than just air inside a shell of flesh that would only dissipate once your body is cut open?"

„You're rambling, Eren." He doesn't like the course of their conversation.

Eren chuckles— it's soft and just so empty. His screams of hatred, his tears of defeat are always full, never empty. Never as dead as a lamb to be sacrificed.

„But there's one thing people would always prefer over faith towards an invisible being." Eren's hands travel north and south; one closes around his own neck, the other trails underneath his open fly. „That thing is power over what's threatening their lives."

The sight before him makes him sick, and he regrets eating that barely warm soup they had for dinner. Levi lets out an unbelieving snort. „You let people fuck you to ease their fear?"

„It helps. There are hardly any cases of Recon Corps soldiers faltering because of their fear towards me being a titan shifter now. It's not quite the same as trust, but them thinking of me as a hole to be used is good enough." Eren retracts his hand from his crotch. For a moment Levi thinks he might have caught a hint of shame in the boy's face.

„That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Stop being so fucking self-sacrificing— you seriously disgust me."

A semblance of hurt flashes across those huge set of eyes, though it is quickly replaced by a yet again empty smile.

„You misunderstand, Captain. It's not a sacrifice. I love being used and taken over and over again. They all make me feel good."

* * *

 

Nothing has changed after that nightly encounter. Eren is still everybody's willing toy as he is lending them a sense of power over a monstrous being, furthermore letting them indulge his warm body.

The only one changing is Levi. And he would have traded anything to retrieve his indifference. Instead he's left aware of all the times Eren would disappear with a different person, which never fails to send his mood to a dark pit.

He can't fathom why each time Eren becomes dirtier in other people's eyes he instead would find the boy to be more spotless and fragile than ever.

And he begins to wonder…why he's never on the receiving end of Eren's proposition.

* * *

 

„Erm…paperwork, Captain?" Wearing a confused expression, and stiffly standing at the centre of Levi's office, Eren looks more than just misplaced and lost.

The Captain in question only hums as a vague confirmation, not bothering to look up at the bemused soldier in front of him. They never do paperwork in their squad; for when you're a special operations squad put together to watch over a titan, you don't concern yourself with sheets of paper. But Levi has gathered a few stacks stolen from the administrative department, everything in a sudden attempt to relieve their workload, and fill his precious free evenings with productive work.

„Do I have to?" Eren beckons to the door behind him. „I have an appointment, so…"

A sharp glare elicited by the sole mention of an ‚appointment' silences him, and he refrains from saying any further. Taking a seat by the smaller desk next to the Captain's, he collects a small pile of documents on his workspace. The content completely unrelated to their work makes him frown— he has to stifle a displeased groan.

It's not like Levi is so utterly bored with his life that he has to steal inventory records, a workload nobody ever wanted, and drag a subordinate to join his fun. It's just that if Eren is with him scribbling on papers, he won't be with others, exchanging spit and sweat and whatnot.

Turns out Eren has difficulties deciphering the seemingly nonsensical jumbles of words and numbers, which is perfect. That way they would have to spend more time finishing the paperwork.

Stealing glances towards Eren, he awaits the moment the boy would show signs of drowsiness. Close to curfew time, he catches the other nodding off and smearing ink all over the page he has worked on.

„You can go. Eren."

Eren startles up and blinks at the Captain's general direction, mumbling an incoherent apology. Probably too tired to fuck people, Levi ponders.

He feels so tired and sore. But it is a better feeling, knowing that Eren would head straight to bed.

* * *

 

„Have you ever been afraid of Eren?" Levi asks without looking at Erwin Smith, his eyes still observing the map laid out in front of him.

„Distrust and doubt all of the time. But fear? I don't think so. Why?"

„Just wondering." The marks on the map are demanding his undivided attention, however doing so proves itself to be difficult. „…and when Eren asked you to sleep with him…"

„Oh, he didn't ask. I did." Erwin clears his throat with only the slightest hint of regret. „To find out whether the rumours about him are true. I'm embarrassed to say that I failed to control myself."

Levi nods, swallowing an unpleasant lump.

Eren really does appear to only target regular soldiers, but wouldn't say no if someone else was interested. Why would he? One more to add to the pile wouldn't make a difference after all.

* * *

 

Once again they spend the evening scribbling on documents completely unrelated to their actual field of work, and the boy has given up hiding his boredom. But he appears well-rested, and is for once without a limp.

„Isn't it just wonderful? We spend our evenings doing actual productive work instead of letting our brains rot?" Levi says, rather abruptly ending their silence.

Eren's writing hand stills, and he looks up with uncertainty, being obviously unsure whether the Captain is being sarcastic or not. „Uhm…actually, I didn't think you would be the type to actually do these things, sir."

„What, paperwork?"

„Unrelated paperwork."

„It's my hobby."

Eren snorts— and then noticing his superior's stare on him, he quickly drops his smile, and coughs into his hand. „I'm sorry," he murmurs.

„It was supposed to make you laugh."

Not knowing how to react to his superior's joke-not-joke, Eren chooses to let out an uncertain laugh. He shakes his head in one soft motion before returning to his task.

Levi observes him, lingering eyes probably too noticeable to be ignored, because the boy is tensing up again. That doesn't stop him from having a close look. He can hardly imagine Eren squirming and begging underneath the numbers of nameless people, not when he is currently bent over documents with a serious disposition and just somewhat at a loss. But Levi knows Eren could be different, he's seen a glimpse of the wanton face aimed at him (even though he had been out of it, so it wasn't exactly an expression specifically meant for him).

He shouldn't be bothered, he knows. Just let the boy go and do as he pleases; it shouldn't be his concern. But somehow it is.

„Eren."

Eren looks up; still on edge from being so blatantly stared at. „Yes, sir?"

„Sleep with me."

The writing stops. Eren stiffens in his position; Levi doesn't see him exhale. The other laughs nervously and fidgets with a strand of hair which he eventually tucks behind his ear.

„Captain, you're the one in charge of slaying me should I ever get out of control— you're hardly in need of a reassurance that I'm not dangerous. Because your job is to be aware of me _being_ dangerous." Eren attempts to wave it off like that and returns to completing his task.

„One more person wouldn't hurt, don't you think?" Levi knows no reason behind his words.

He doesn't expect Eren to turn white as a sheet, eyes wide open in…is it fear? Levi's stare is met by wary orbs of green. „I didn't think you would be interested."

No longer controlled by his own rationality, Levi strolls over towards Eren's side of the room. Panicking, the other twitches to make a run for the door, but a set of arms reaching to trap him prevents him from doing so. Eren is forced to stay but, so he does the only thing left to protect himself. He averts his eyes. Even as Levi's body is hunched above him, staring at him with such an intensity he's sure he can feel it poking his skin, he refuses to look up.

„I am interested now." Levi isn't. At least not with how things are.

Once again Eren laughs. It's shaky. „Why?"

„The question is, why are you even hesitating?"

Why indeed? He didn't seem to have any qualms about sleeping with Erwin.

Eren closes his eyes.

„Anybody…" Levi has to lean closer to make out the barely audible mumble.

„Anybody but you, Captain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next part will be the final part. I hope you enjoyed reading the first chapter (I just had to get this out of my system)  
> Visit me on [Tumblr](http://imperialharem.com/) for a chat :)


	2. Not making peace with this war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a story of being saved. Yet in a way it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking to this Two-shot, even though it took so long to update. Your positive reactions to this fic encouraged me to actually finish this. 
> 
> Also I took the liberty of stretching the time frame of canon happenings, because obviously, Eren wouldn't even have the time to have sex if I were to strictly follow the canon timeline. So, there's a little bit of added time before the 57th expedition and the aftermath. 
> 
> On a different note, let's just assume STIs don't exist in a titan infested world. Maybe Eren's just immune.

Two instant reactions. One is an involuntary pang of hurt (of his feelings? Or perhaps just his ego?), and the second is curiosity.

Asking why is out of question, given that Eren has somehow managed to make himself so very small in his chair, looking like he's hanging onto something he wouldn't want to lose no matter what. Levi feels relief in a way. So even someone like Eren has something he does not want to sacrifice. Knowing that, he decides, is enough for now. He steps out of the boy's personal space and raises his brows.

"I was joking, idiot."

Bewildered green eyes blink at him, mouth slightly agape in such a dumb manner it is too painful to watch without feeling the urge to snap it shut.

"Oh."

Just oh.

"Though I feel like I should make you clean the stables for basically admitting that I'm so hideous you would not want my dick in your breathing space."

"It's not like that!" Defensive hands shoot up in an instant.

Levi cocks a brow. He wants to ask after all. Another time.

Instead, he simply pats the boy's shoulder and ushers him out for the night. Eren leaves with hesitance evident in both his fast yet stuttering stride, and in the way his eyebrows are questioningly drawn together. Clearly, he is happy to leave but very much in the dark as to what has just occurred.

A soft click. The door shuts. And Levi is alone. Alone with his own thoughts that are looking for a way to understand Eren Jäger; and an equally big part is consumed by a certain kind of seething that has everything to do with the bitter taste of rejection.

He did ask Eren to sleep with him as a test to figure him out. It was not real. But the rejection has been real, and it weighs on him as such.

* * *

 

There is a downpour prompting everyone to wonder whether the sky is going to come crushing down.

The heavy drops dig into the soil, creating a muddy path, which renders any outdoor activity useless. And Levi would rather risk one afternoon of zero productivity than let a mob of soldiers paint the inside of the headquarters with their filthy boots.

Caught by the sudden cloudburst, and already drenched to the skin, he seeks refuge underneath the roofing outside the stables. He knows that the inside would provide more warmth— the violent shivers wrecking his body tell him so. There is, however, a good reason why he is kept outside freezing his ass off.

All sound is drowned out by the heavy pitter-patter of rain as it crashes down on every unshielded surface. The violence of every droplet by which they hit and burst on rooftops, the moist air carrying a scent of earth and pines, and the overcast sky create a certain drowsy mood. But no matter how sleep-inducing the rain, Levi can't bring himself to lean back and rest. Because the sound of heavy rain fails to conceal the drawn out moans coming from the stable.

Two, no, three people. And Eren.

Whispers of promises and words of praise to make him keen in between the desperate thrust, and without missing a beat the sweet nothings turn to insults and Eren is no longer _baby_ or _good boy_ , but the _perfect whore, slut, fuck hole_.

As of Eren, he simply moans even louder.

Levi stays there for the remainder of the heated rendezvous— enduring, and ignoring the urge to cover his ears. He does not do himself the favour of simply leaving the scene.

Because he refuses to let it affect himself, and because he ought to be there should they lay a violent hand on Eren. After all, he is responsible for the kid.

Yet he is not his father.

Thus, he is powerless to the things Eren does in his free time. Levi is angry with Eren but so much more at himself. This is not his business, he tells himself. His business with Eren is whatever Erwin commands for the sake of rescuing the cage they live in.

However, in hindsight he comes to know that it is not true; after all his decision to take responsibility for Eren had been his very own choice. Erwin did not ask him, nobody did. He had seen the boy talk not only with his mouth but also with his eyes, his body language, and Levi had understood.

In the middle of a cloudburst, trapped in a weave of pleasurable sounds that cause him pain, Levi has an epiphany.

* * *

 

The soldiers leave the stable in silence; their uniform crumpled and now rapidly getting soaked by the heavy rain. They do not notice the Captain near the entrance as they fight their way back through the mud to headquarters.

Eren emerges with a sigh and a slight limp. He lingers at the threshold looking up at the overcast sky, a serene countenance as if completely at peace with the shattering thunder and cracking lightning. A gust of wind makes his body shiver yet he does not hesitate to step out into the rain, allowing water to seep through his white shirt until it is completely drenched.

Just like the others, Eren too fails to notice Levi's presence— that is until he clears his throat just loud enough for the other to stop and turn. Squinting, Eren tries to make out the figure with impaired vision caused by the heavy curtain of large raindrops. Distress replaces the short-lived tranquillity and his body turns rigid, the violent shiver from the cold forgotten. Levi knows just by looking at him that he is the last person Eren wants to see.

Contrary to his expectation, the Captain only walks up to join him on the walk back. The shower feels gross on their clothed skin but Eren is content by the silence and the lack of questions. Levi's eyes are too busy being transfixed by the translucence of Eren's soaked shirt, by the flash of honey underneath. That perhaps is the reason for the wordless companionship.

Entering the headquarters through a set of heavy doors, they leave a browning puddle mixed with mud and grass.

That moment Levi only thinks of how he does not want to save what is meant and what is willing to be sacrificed. In all his aversion and irritation, Levi cannot help but want him nevertheless. He has shared too many things in his life. Just for once, he wants to own something. But Eren Jäger's body belongs to everyone and the Military Police, and his unwavering heart is no one's. Neither has a place for him.

"Don't forget to come to my office tonight," Levi finally says before striding to the opposite direction.

* * *

 

Levi rarely feels any regret. And even now, his squad wiped out, he wouldn't say he regrets. They died protecting Eren, so at least he can face their families saying that it has not been in vain. Right? (Yet he had no words for Petra's father)

The headquarter lacks life. Many did not make it back and a number of soldiers followed Erwin back to report about the expedition, also receiving word on Eren's fate from now on.

The boy has been crying. For the first time, there is hopelessness in his eyes, resolution hidden by endless grief and regret. Yet during the two days after the expedition, Eren never ceases to comfort the remaining soldiers with his body. Maintaining their fear for him has become void, since his life is probably done for anyway. Humanity's last hope ends under the Military Police's knife.

Walking down the hallways with brisk steps, he grits his teeth out of pent up frustration. The uncertainty of Eren's life, the jealousy, the incomprehension of why he is feeling this way, the mystery found in a boy so seemingly simpleminded— Levi faces many problems that day and all of them is Eren.

Stuck in the middle of his inner turmoil is when he runs into him. As always, Eren greets him with a perfect salute, though his legs are fidgeting. Offering one's heart, that's the thought behind the salute. Levi stares at the fist resting above Eren's heart, then back up.

"Follow me." He turns on his heel.

Eren hesitates, still fidgeting. "Can't I go to the bathroom first?"

Levi will not risk an attempt to escape, so he shoots him a final stare. "Hold your shit."

"But I don't have to…"

The Captain ignores him and continues to walk away. Reluctantly, Eren follows him, out, as it seems. The evening air is warm with just the right amount of cooling breeze. Levi steers away from the building; far enough to escape the illumination of lamps, climbing up a hill with sparse bushes. He bends down to check if the grass is dry before slumping down with a sigh. Still bewildered, Eren takes a seat next to him.

Unable to stand being left in the dark, Eren turns around to demand an explanation, just to find the other man's eyes pointed skyward. He follows his gaze. A whole vastness of a world even more mysterious than their own stretches out above him. Full of blinking stars and specks of glistening dust.

God knows why he's suddenly out stargazing with the Captain.

"How far do you think do you have to fly to be able to pick stars?"

Eren holds a snort. "You're talking as if those can be picked like apples from trees."

"You think they can't?"

He shakes his head, though not resolutely. "I don't think so. I mean, they're pretty far away. Maybe they're actually bigger?"

Levi hums, and then frowns. "People are too preoccupied by what's inside the wall and what's outside. Most find their freedom here inside the walls, few long for a freedom out there. Do you think a balloon could take us high enough to find another option of freedom?"

"In the sky?" Eren's voice trails off in a high pitch. Obviously, he's never thought about it. Leaning back, he contemplates the possibility.

Shrugging, Levi continues. "I have no idea, but apparently, a couple of lunatics once tried to set off on a big ass balloon."

"Well, mother used to tell me that dead people go up there. Their souls now illuminate the dark."

"Are you dumb? That doesn't make sense at all."

Eren, offended that Levi would mock his mother's teaching, falls back onto the grass with an audible huff. He uses both arms as a pillow, observing the blinking yet voiceless stars.

Talking about things unknown feels almost carefree. It makes Levi think of impossibilities not even worth thinking about. About to speak up, he turns to look at the lying boy who has his eyes closed with a face marred with exhaustion. You would never think he is hurt just because he does not bear scratches, bruises, or scars. Yet looking at his sleeping face he sees it all, the pain of his body torn to pieces, and the bleeding gash of guilt.

Levi climbs over the resting body with searching eyes as if trying to understand a secret. He remains there stooping, noiselessly and unmoving.

Turns out the sleeping boy isn't at all asleep. Startled eyes snap open and continue to widen. It doesn't seem to deter Levi that he is caught on top of Eren. He holds the other's gaze.

"Say, Eren. If I had a balloon, would you come with me?"

At a loss for words, Eren tilts his head in confusion. "We don't know what's up there."

"We don't know what's behind the horizon either, yet we still fight."

Eren's hand tugs at his own collar with uncomfortable tension. "I have to…kill the titans. I have to stay by Mikasa's and Armin's side."

At that, Levi sighs. There is no place for him after all.

Eren lowers his gaze, biting his lips. "I can't go with you… But nothing would give me more happiness…I think."

The unexpected follow up answer alights the hope that has wilted away in Levi's heart. The hands to either side of Eren's head twitch in a lack of confidence on what to do in this kind of situation. He is still above the younger soldier, still staring down at him with searching eyes, still trying to solve the puzzle. At the same time Eren appears to be both waiting for a response and wishing nothing more than to escape from the Captain's trap. Levi says not a single word simply because he has none.

So he leans down, eyes trained on Eren's slightly parted lips, briefly wondering if those have kissed countless others too. Probably. Trying not to picture his comrades on Eren, he closes his eyes. He can feel the boy's uneven breath on him, the almost unbearable heat of his body, and the puffs of air from his lips. Levi's fringe sweeps on Eren's forehead, their noses touch. Levi wants.

"Don't. Please." Comes the shaky whisper from below him.

Levi blinks and stares down with a frown. What he finds is a terrified set of eyes, open wide with tears that threaten to spill. Only now does Levi realise that Eren's hands have been pushing against his chest.

Tilting his head in question and trying hard not to sound frustrated, he asks, "Why?"

Eren's voice resounds like a faraway echo. "I told you. Anybody but you, Captain."

"Why?"

Eren shakes his head with eyes squeezed shut.

"Don't make me do this." And this time tears do spill out.

With hands limply hanging to his sides, Levi sits up watching the boy protect himself. It reminds him of that time he asked Eren to sleep with him. The only difference is that now, lack of light notwithstanding, he's actually looking at the little details painted on the other's face. Amongst fear there is also—

"Disgust."

Eren's eyes snap open. Even his trembling body stills. "W-what?"

"Why do you look disgusted? Are you disgusted with me?" His hands turn to rest on Eren's thighs, neither moving up nor down.

"What— no! I would never…" Eren's reaction is indignant to the point of him shooting up in a sitting position.

"So…you're disgusted with yourself then?"

Eren dips his head in such a slow motion, Levi can see the way his fringe sways and comes to rest just above his blinking eyes.

"Captain. What you are to me, I can't really explain it. Someone untouchable to me, a sacred place maybe. That's it. A sacred place. And someone like me can't enter that place. Ever since I saw you that day standing on a titan you defeated, a taste of freedom is what I thought."

In his thirty-something years of life he's heard people compare him to many things, some derogatory, others grand. Not once was he ever called sacred. Which is why he's so close to snorting because of how ridiculous the words resonate in his ears.

"Eren. I'm also disgusted with you."

Eren flinches, hurt.

"You throw your body to a drift of pigs just for them to look lowly enough at you, so they lose their fear. Stop fucking playing the sacrificial lamb, you're so full of yourself." The words don't sound right to him, so very contradicting, but he is in no condition to form a proper thought. "Yet here I am eating my heart out with want for you, for your body too. But I can't get what I want and it _consumes_ me."

He has to take in a deep breath, lest he choke on his own spit. "I'm definitely not sacred."

Eren shakes his head. "I don't have any illusions about you. It's just something I decided for myself."

"Then decide for yourself to stop fucking other people. What, are you also going to let the Military Police impale you to convince them?" He regrets his words the moment they spill from his too loose mouth.

He looks up expecting a hurt boy but finds him glowering instead.

„Oh, so now you know exactly what I have to do? Eren do this, Eren do that, Eren don't do that. So why—" The fabric of Eren's sash crumples under his tight clutch, and he has a hard time squeezing the words out from between gritted teeth and the first stirrings of a choke. "Why didn't you tell me to transform back then in the forest?"

Dumbstruck, Levi leans away. Not giving him any chance to react, Eren continues.

"You gave me a choice when everything I needed was an _order_. And now look where we are—I made the wrong decision and...now they're no more."

"Eren…" Levi frowns.

The boy lets out a hiss, arms folded in front of him in a dismissive attitude.

"Don't. If _you_ can't give me answers, then I think you don't have the right to tell me to stop." The accumulated frenzy overflows, only to die down, leaving behind only desolation. Eren's shoulders sag; the following words merely a whisper.

"You're my sacred place but by no means my god. You can't and you won't save me."

Despite the words of accusation directed at him, Levi can read Eren's expression enough to see that he is ultimately blaming himself the most. The time spent together with Eren as a member of his squad has made Levi realise that the boy is greatly unforgiving of failure whether it be that of others, and even more so if it's his own. And it makes him tilt his head in wonder.

"You could have, I don't know, built a bond with the soldiers over time."

Eren scoffs. "As if there's time for camaraderie in a world that is dying—I don't have that time."

To Levi childhood is but a distant memory to him, and yet he remembers the way he perceived time. Time was agonisingly slow. One can see it by observing children as they ask questions such as 'Is it my birthday yet?', 'Can I eat this candy now instead of after dinner?', 'When will this lesson end?'.

But Eren for some reason appears to be running out of time.

It is then that it dawns on him. As the Captain of the Recon Corps he had ridden past the open gates more often than any other.

Eren's, however, is the generation of a wall broken down.

No one asked them to open the gates. There was no time. Between the both of them the circumstances are the same but the way they are perceived might have been different. Levi lives his life ceaselessly in his own time, even with death always lying in ambush. The time comes when it comes, even though it doesn't mean that he would keep still.

Eren is running. Always running. To him there is no time between what is absolutely needed to be done and humanity's downfall. And realising this makes Levi feel the panic inducing urgency; something that he has long known but only now, after the exchange with Eren, is able to understand. That there is no time.

Perhaps that is the reason for Levi's sudden need to somehow claim Eren as his. In their lack of time he wants to be able to tell himself that at least he's not only fighting for humanity and his own freedom, but also for a certain someone. Because he wants to see that special someone outlast time together with him. Humanity and freedom are worth fighting for, but what's driving humans is one's own most important something.

To Eren it's perhaps his need for retribution and his care for his friends. Levi wants his driving force to be Eren.

So he lifts his hands to cup the boy's face. He only somewhat registers the boy's eyes open wide at the gentle touch.

"In that case, will you stop time for me?" Levi says.

Eren feels his heart hammering against his chest.

"Captain, what—"

"So that I can gain on you and we can run together." Levi's thumb wipes the soft cheek underneath.

Eren chokes on a sob, looking down on his Captain with a pained and crumbling expression— the beginning of a loss of his resolve, the herald of Levi's victory.

"Saying that isn't fair, Captain." Eren's lips tremble. "How can I keep being strong? I've always, always admired you."

"I know."

Head shaking, he embraces himself as an effort to shield himself from the shame. "I felt the filthiest whenever the feel of people's hands roaming my body turned to a fantasy of you doing it to me. It felt even better that way—and I hated myself the most after coming to the thought of you."

For the first time, he's the one touching the Captain by his own accord. His hand encircles the other's forearm shakily, eyes downcast. Levi has trouble swallowing the lump in his throat—his body, no, his whole being reacting to the spoken words.

"It's not like you will soil me. I've never thought you were dirty." Levi begins, no, tries to explain. "I don't live with admiration for other people, so I can't understand your train of thought."

Once again he pauses to find the right words. This kind of talk has never been his forte.

"Still, you see, I feel like you've helped me understand something else in return. Several things, that is."

The evening fails to make him unravel the enigma that is Eren Jäger, for humans are that way, made up of questions without concrete answers. And still, it is like he has gained something, an indefinite but certainly felt answer as to why he wakes up in the morning, and why it would (for once or finally) feel like a beginning even though the world itself is ending.

"You don't hate me?" For someone who has no time for building camaraderie, Eren sure cares about what Levi thinks about him. And maybe the boy is simply not as uncaring of others as he makes himself to be, but Levi prefers the idea of him being the exception.

"I asked you the same question some time ago." Levi hesitates."Can I, can I touch you?"

"I...you won't like what you feel."

"Will you give me the chance to find out?"

Eren's grip around his arm tightens, and Levi makes out a light tug, but it might as well have been an illusion. The definite answer follows as the boy ever so innocently closes his eyes not unlike someone who's facing a first experience. It's almost a clumsy gesture. Equally clumsy hands of a long time soldier come to rest on heated cheeks.

Surprisingly, Eren's lips don't taste like a dead man.

They're very much soft and warm and moist. It makes him rethink. Eren is not a sacrifice nor does he perceive himself as one. He is, simply put, a fighter.

And even upon joining their tongues in a play of push and flick he can only feel warmth that makes him feel safe but is also dangerously addictive as he finds himself longing for more. It's a tingling and sometimes a shock. His body is filled with sparks lighting a rapid fire, and he presses his body forward until their chests are touching.

Eren's soft gasp sounds almost surprised. They're discovering one another. The intimacy feels nothing like what Levi has imagined or like what Eren has experienced. Caught in the headlights of their own discoveries, they topple over with a muffled thud. The prickle of grass is overshadowed by the burn of roaming hands removing their clothing piece by piece.

A moan tears the gentle silence of the night. Levi won't ever forget the sight of Eren laying there, back curved in a perfect arch, the dips of his muscles casting heavy shadows on his body, and mouth open to let out soft pants.

Above him, Levi flicks his tongue to trace the length of Eren's neck all the way from his ear to the prominent collarbone. The boy's hands are holding onto him so tightly, he thinks he might be bruising come morning. His in return are mapping out the body so young and yet already experienced in so many ways. Slowly, they're sweeping over the creases at the junction of Eren's torso, getting dangerously close to his cock. The tips of Levi's fingers ghost over it, making the other shiver. But the hand wanders lower still.

Until the digits find the small entrance. Levi prods, just to experiment. The effortless push meets no resistance. It's loose and stretched. The strong grip on his upper arms become painful, and Levi looks up to find Eren's eyes averted, open wide and horrified. He remembers. Levi is by far not his first man that day.

Mortification further sets in as a slow trickle of something sticky seeps out of his gaping hole. Prior to meeting Levi he had wanted to go to the showers to get rid of any residues. Yet here he is now with his Captain in between his legs spread wide open, being so so very dirty.

Instead of scrambling away in disgust, Levi tilts the trembling chin and kisses him just like before, ignoring the shameful sobs. Their bodies melt again, this time with something bigger breaching his entrance, slowly and filling. Eren gasps at the sensation, but mostly because he can't believe his Captain would ever do something like this.

"Captain..." Finding those austere eyes gazing at him, unwavering as ever, makes him revel in the relief of being proven wrong. He has given up assuming about Levi.

The older man buries himself in him, and he might not have been as hard as before but he wants Eren all the same. Just like how Eren wants Levi despite knowing that he won't be his saving grace.

So he wraps his legs around Levi, first looking him in the eye, then resting his chin on the broad shoulder, clinging to him, hanging on. And when Levi rocks into him, he feels whole. They both do. For that alone Eren allows himself to smile, though the other is unable to see it. It's a promise between him and the stars which may be the souls of the dead or shiny apples in the sky.

Levi's soft grunts accompany the growing heat in his stomach. He tugs on Eren's hair to make him look at him. Their eyes meet the moment their hips lose rhythm. Simultaneously, their foreheads touch, all damp and sticky, and one of them inches forward to capture the other in yet another kiss. It's only interrupted by their small cry of pleasure as release shakes their very core.

Nothing follows thereafter. Too ineloquent to speak words of affections, and finding that none are needed or even appropriate. Just breathing in.

* * *

 

Walking back is a tedious thing. It's just that none of them is particularly eager to spend the night in the open. They don't talk. It's fine that way. At least for the night.

Levi is the first to step through the wooden door. Holding the door with the sole of his boot open, he stops in his tracks and turns to face Eren who's caught rubbing the love bite at the base of his neck.

The Captain surprises him with a salute. He doesn't stand on attention, though. No, his stance is relaxed. Eren blinks in confusion while Levi doesn't bother with an explanation. Letting his arms fall back to his sides, he steps into the lit hallways.

Their joining has not made anything certain. Humanity's future is still unknown and so is Eren still balancing between survival and the tip of the Military Police's blade.

It is not the beginning of a new life nor is it the end of a nightmare. To Levi it is more a crack in the clouds, a tiny sunbeam right above him amidst a violent catastrophe.

But it'll do, he figures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading/leaving kudos/commenting
> 
> Visit me on [Tumblr](http://imperialharem.com/)


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